Sunday, August 18, 2013

The Wall

As I write this, I feel like I want to vomit.  I've got so many emotions running thru me from our 3 weeks at home and I've finally hit a wall.  I've been up, down, left, right and confused.  Just downright confused.  I don't know where I belong lately.  Do I belong in Barcelona or do I belong here?  Both feel right and yet neither makes me feel complete.

I have had a lot of emotions related to my relationships lately which comes as no surprise given my past entries about it.  Just being home brings out the best and worst in me emotionally.  And it's overwhelming.  Some people surprise me and others have let me down.  I'm not perfect either and Josh reminded me of that - something I needed.  I had to blow off a birthday dinner tonight in order to see other friends that I hadn't had the opportunity to see yet, a few of which I hadn't seen in years.  And while I'm thrilled that I got to see those friends, I feel badly that I missed the others.  I'm finally recognizing that I can't do it all.

And the more I think about how I've been feeling about how others treat me, I've started thinking of how I treat others.  Am I being a good enough friend, daughter, sister?  As I wrote before, I prioritized my friends over my family.  How is that being a good daughter or sister?  And so can I blame people when they don't prioritize us?  Probably not.  All I can say is that I'm doing my best.  But I feel like my best isn't good enough.

Tonight the wall hit me smack in the face when plans I made have been turned around... again.  It's not the plans themselves that's an issue.  It's the repercussions of those plans changing and they are going to affect the happiness of the kids, more so, Aidan.  And knowing that changing these plans is going to break Aidan's heart, I have to decide if I put my ego aside and go out of my way to try to make things better or to just let it go and know that this is just the way things are, despite my desire otherwise.

I can't control how others act and behave.  And I think I've been hoping that in a way I can without realizing it til now.  I set the expectation bar too high.  And maybe others do the same with me, who knows.  But it makes me wonder why we allow ourselves to open our lives and hearts to people if the risk is getting deeply hurt.  Wouldn't it be so much easier to just live in our bubble and not let anyone in?  Sure it would be lonely, but it would be safe.

As I write, I can manage to calm myself, it's cathartic.  This is an entry that I debate publishing, however, at the same time, it's a snapshot in time about how confused I feel on a daily basis and how I've analyzed, perhaps overanalyzed, my relationships during our time abroad.  I never gave this much thought to how we interact with others until we were pulled apart by 4000 miles of ocean.

In the end, I've realized that I don't want to be around people who make me feel badly about myself, feel guilty about the choices we've made for our family or that don't support us - no matter where we live.  And so I'm resolving now to work harder at being better on my end - being more supportive, being there for others and to think before acting.  My hope is somewhere along the line others will do the same.

I still have a number of entries to finish for this trip which was a great visit with everyone... up til the end.  While it's not ending on as much of a high note as I would like, I have no regrets about our time home and the people we got to see and the fun that we had with everyone.  These memories are for a lifetime and because we are away all year long, they mean so much more to us and we appreciate the time that everyone gave to us - we know that everyone has hectic schedules and trying to fit our crazy schedule in wasn't always easy.  So thank you, to each and every one of you.  We love you and we'll miss you - til next year!


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