Sunday, October 26, 2014

Radio Silent

I've been a bit radio silent lately.  I can't say why for sure.  One day a few weeks ago, something just snapped inside me.  At the time, it probably wasn't something good.  But looking back, it's given me some time to do some much needed reflecting on my life and the direction it's heading.

A few weeks ago I was feeling so incredibly alone here.  And lost.  And depressed.  I was not in a good place - at all.  It took all my energy to get out of bed.  I was snapping at everyone.  I was most definitely not a fun person to be around.  I cried - a lot.  And I kept telling myself that this too shall pass.  That I had been in a similar situation when we moved to Barcelona and while it took a bit longer there to get myself to a better place (about 3 months), I did it and learned to love Barcelona.

And so I knew that this stage, while it felt more intense than the first time it happened, would go away (and for the most part it has). But in the meantime, everything was irritating me, especially social media. Now I'm the first to admit, I'm a social media addict.  Facebook is the first thing I check after my email every morning and the last thing I look at before I go to bed at night.  But like I said, something snapped.  It wasn't any one thing or any one person - just suddenly social media lost it's appeal to me.

I didn't want to be on it.  I didn't want to use it only I found that it has more of a hold of me than I would like.  Everyone and their brother seems to use Facebook messenger.  Suddenly I had no choice but to log on in order to get the messages that were appearing.  And so I started to resort back to the "old fashioned" method of communicating - email.  I'm not sure when email became old fashioned but I've been trying to put forth more effort in using that time I had on Facebook for actually communicating with people in a "normal" way.

It doesn't mean I haven't been on Facebook at all, just not to the extent I was on it before -  not even close.  And it's made me realize just how much social media has controlled my life in a sense.  In a way it's a relief to no longer have that "burden".  Maybe some of that time I was using can go towards that work I was saying I don't seem to have enough time for lately.  And I'm finding that social media is losing it's importance to me.  Those that want to be in touch with me know how they can reach me - they have my phone number and my email.  We whatsapp, we email and we talk on the phone.  I need that.  What I have loved about Facebook, I have started to resent - I love that I can go on and see what everyone is up to but at the same time, I feel as though I have lost the ability to communicate with all my friends the way we used to, making me feel at the same time, disconnected.

And it doesn't mean that I don't see all the positives that go along with social media.  You wouldn't be reading this entry if it weren't for it's existence.  I get it and I utilize it.  But for now, I need to focus on the here and now.  I need to focus on my kids and their struggles in a new country, a new school and new friends.  I need to focus on helping Josh with his recovery.  And I need to focus on my adjustment here as well.

So if you don't hear from me for a little while, you know how to reach me... I'm not ignoring you, just reshifting my focus away from social media for the time being in order to redirect my attention towards the things, like work, and people that need me now, including myself.


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